Meditations, the VIP Treatment, etc.

Hello again. Can you believe it's actually been less than a week? I like coming to work at 6:30. The main drawbacks are getting up early and getting here before the building opens. The best thing ever is that I get to leave at 3. Not that it helps today because I have to go straight to the airport and go to the CCB Convention in Sacramento. I have to speak about my experiences on the Barack Obama campaign. I was excited to do it when I volunteered in October, but now it seems like a drag. I'm really not all that interested in the organization itself. I just went to help the blind students and ended up as VP. There are like 5 members. This week has been filled with drama. Monday was fun. I went to Joe and Allison's to study part of a presentation they use for teachers. Sorry. Conversation, not presentation. Tuesday after work I mostly stayed in my room. I talked to a lot of my friends that evening. Wednesday was April Fool's Day. I got some of my students to think that I was leaving because I got another job. They were congratulating me and saying it was a great career move. LOL. I was planning on calling Chris later and telling him that I got a new job, but that it was in Tennesee or something. Well, I was on my way to the bank when he called and told me he was moving to Central California. I don't mean a city but a region. At first, I started to laugh a little. I thought and hoped it was a joke and I wanted to laugh about how we were on the same wavelength etc. Well, his voice was super serious and I started to worry. It wasn't a joke. It's real and I was trying very hard not to sit there in front of the bank and cry. So that was interesting too. Sorry for the topic diversion, but I had reserved the Access of Evil to pick me up to go to the bank. The bank closes at 5 and they got me at 4:55. I felt really stupid standing outside the bank waiting for a taxi. Well, this really nice guy was leaving the bank and told me it was closed. I said I understood and asked if he could walk me to Taco bell. He said yes and then asked if I wanted to deposit checks and withdraw. I said yes and he helped me do all of it. I can't even express my relief. The cab came just as my transactions were finished. I asked him to take me to Taco Bell because Ana wanted food too, but he misunderstood and thought that it was next to my house instead of in the complex with the bank. Oh well. We got pizza instead. I really wasn't thinking rationally that day. I was looking for jobs and things further north. Celine, go ahead. I'm not sure if it's further or farther in this case so I'm waiting for my English teacher to appear. Well, yesterday I began to have a clearer picture of things. I determined that I would finish school and get a guide dog before I even considered uprooting myself from work and hometown. I know nothing about that area except that it's farmland. I just hope we don't lose contact again. Anyway, yesterday I got permission to leave early so I went to the DMV and renewed my ID. Finally. Only about oh, 4 months late. When I got there, the woman behind the window was shocked that I came alone. *Rolls eyes*. She got a manager to come help me. I went straight to the front of the line and then to the front for pictures too. I was in and out in about 15 minutes! I had to wait another 15 minutes for Access, but that wasn't bad. After that I came home and started thinking about things. That, for me, can do one of two things. It can make me more calm and logical, or it can make me be really hard on myself and guilty and sad. Well, unfortunately this time it was the latter. I was thinking about Chris and about how I treated him. See, when we were younger, we were best friends because it seemed sometimes like we had each other and Tasha but that was it. Some of the indignities he suffered at the hands of the VI teacher at school were unfair and I would usually defend him. I got in trouble on a regular basis, but I didn't care because I felt that it was better to fight for what I thought was right than to let someone trample over my friend. True Sagittarius thing. LOL. It was about things like that he had to read a list of rules out loud before he went to class. They were things like "I will not skip to class." and "I will use my cane." He had to read them for everyone! I was the one who helped Chris learn braille; or at least the one who got him to do the work. The volunteer the school had was nice enough, but nobody liked her either. In sixth grade, he and I were and item. He was also there for part of 7th grade. In the middle, he went to another school. It was one of those places that I complain about that has limited academics. He hated it too and I felt bad. The problem was that some of the habits of the kids started to rub off and I was stunned by how much he changed and some of the stuff he did to other students. Well, I still tried to include him in stuff. We stopped talking for two years. I was having so many problems in school. There was really only one person I talked to. That was Tasha. We had really stupid fights then too. Finally, in junior year, I felt like I had my life more in order. I was at a better school and had more peace and free time. He came to my house and we talked politics and played chess. It was so much fun. Later he came to my 17th birthday party. We played Cranium and Trivial Pursuit and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we watched Extreme Dodgeball for some reason. I think just cause it was on. He started holding my hand. It felt comfortable and safe. I was really shocked though when he kissed me. I didn't know how to react. We went to a movie and out to dinner a few times. It was always chaperoned by one of our parents. That August, I was at his house when that fateful question was asked. He asked if we could have sex. Now, as soon as that was said, terror was all I felt. Not because of anything in particular, but it was just that I was this naive girl even at 17. I just panicked. Even though I knew he loved me, I didn't talk to him for three years! I knew that I had very strong feelings for him, but I still felt no shame in dating Darius and even being engaged. I mean, how horrible is that! I came back and got a reminder thanks to a song from choir. He'd done "The Pajama Game" in high school and the song was from that musical. It brought memories flooding back and for some reason I called. I couldn't believe it. It was awkward for like one conversation and then suddenly it was back to the same situation as before Berkeley, Louisiana, and Fullerton. I didn't and still don't understand. It was like nothing had happened. He came over and I was getting ready to tell him I wasn't interested. Well, fear took over. I think it was also knowledge of how I felt. I told him over the phone that I wasn't interested but it felt wrong. I know it was because of him wanting to do things that I wasn't ready for, but I have a feeling that if I'd just been open to talking about it, it wouldn't have been an issue. He told me he loved me and I couldn't talk most of the time he was there. After that, he was the one to keep up contact. It wasn't as awkward. Then he wanted to hang out on Valentine's Day. I said no because he hadn't set a date. There was a discussion and he came to the devotional gathering at my house. He took my hand while we sat on the couch and I wanted to... I don't know. I just felt like I couldn't hide any of my feelings anymore. I wanted to tell him everything, but his mom was there so I didn't. Then he came again and I invited him to come over earlier in the afternoon. I thought maybe that would mean she'd drop him off. Nope. It didn't. I haven't been able to tell him how I feel and it's been nagging at me. I wanted to do it in person. I guess maybe I have to do it by phone. I don't know. Anyway, my meditations made me think about how I have been shown God's love through him and I've been letting it slip away for so long. My determination is that from this moment forward I will not be afraid to tell him how I feel and will really let myself love again. Well readers, I think we've all heard enough from me for one entry. I'm heading to Sacramento for the CCB Convention in about an hour. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. Take care and peace be with you all.
Leena