Life

Hello readers. I'm back at work again. Actually, I went back after one day of sick leave. Goodness! I am having issues thinking right now. I have a lot on my mind. Anyway, last week was, as I recall, fairly uneventful. Well, Thursday I went back to the doctor and they gave me another prescription. I'm so sick of stuff that only numbs the pain and doesn't actually treat the headache. I need to figure out how to get in touch with a mental health person. From what I can think of, I'm having spiritual issues, dating issues, self-esteem issues, and... Wow. I just have issues. LOL. I can hear almost everyone receiving this laughing hysterically and/or agreeing with the statement. Friday I went to the bank all by myself. LOL. It sounds so dumb, but I've never liked going to the bank alone because I like to have someone else there to corroborate what the bank teller says she's handing me. Saturday I got up early again and went to Lakewood for a meeting. I've been asked to sing at a golf tournament for injured vets. As far as I know, I'm singing the National Anthem and a couple of other songs of my choosing. Yay! After that, I came home and did a three hour mobility lesson. That's a whole different issue. I got very weirded out because the instructor would grab me if I even came close to a crack in the sidewalk that she thought I might trip over. Also, we crossed the same two intersections over and over and over again. This was it for three hours! Then, tasha came over. That was fun. She spent the night. I convinced her to come to celebrate her birthday. It wasn't exactly a celebration, but I know that for me, just being with friends is enough to be a celebration. Yesterday was interesting. I ended up fasting. I hadn't been all last week because of my headaches. Granted, I still have the headache, but yesterday it was easy to fast. Today is already difficult because I have the headache a little stronger and my stomach is bugging me. It's weird because I ate an apple and drank a lot of water before I left home. Anyway, I went to Sunday worship after Tasha left. It was good. Then a friend took us to the grocery store to get ingredients for chili. Chris had called that morning to tell me he and his mom were coming to the devotional in the evening. I was so nervous. Well, Kristin went to take a nap and they got there two hours early. I think the main problem was that I wanted to not be interested because it scared me. I feel like I built up a fortress against men no matter what desires I may have expressed. I don't think that those feelings have really ever been spoken. I think after I put everything out there for Darius, I just couldn't do it again. So I knew I had the desire to, but I couldn't trust a man to get that close. And I've never let anyone get that close. I allways talk about dating and hope for marriage, and I thought I could let someone in, but I think the walls of my fortress have been built up very strong. Well, last year when Chris came over, I was nervous and a little disgusted when he held my hand. Yesterday, it reminded me of darius but Darius wasn't really what I was thinking of. It just reminded me of Darius's hand. Does that mean anything? Maybe it means I'm settling because I know he likes me. Or maybe I actually like him now. One thing's for sure though, I can firmly and honestly say that I don't love Darius. I haven't talked to him since November. I think of him, but only as a first love and a learning experience instead of a future crazy romance. I just wish sometimes that I could form sentences when christ is around. LOL. It's like when we're alone all I can put together is small talk. That doesn't help because he seems to be similar. I just can't let myself be open with a man except for J. and that's because he's more like my brother and he has a girlfriend. He's allways been like a brother. Well, since 2004 when we actually started talking. Anyway, back to the devotional. We had dinner and talked a lot and then we prayed. Then Chris and his mom left. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. He was completely respectful and more gentle even when we were alone. After that, My-key arrived home and gave me a martial arts lesson. It was fun. Then I went to bed and slept until 5:30. Then I stayed awake until 7 when I had to get up. I still have half an hour before staff meeting. Once again, for the English majors and people who like organized writing, I apologize. My stream of consciousness tends to ramble and go in all directions. Well, I think I've run out of stuff to say. Everyone take care. Peace, love, joy, and patience to all.
Heather Leena Anne